Sunday 16 November 2008 the sasquatch gang 
hello fuckers, i'm back and its about time we get down to serious buisness. LETS REVIEW ANOTHER OFF THE WALL STRANGE FUCKIN MOVIE SHALL WE? alrightie then.
i would like to introduce you to THE SASQUATCH GANG if i may. this movie is comedy up Napoleon Dynamite's ass if i do say so myself. i fuckin love this movie. here we have a small town of losers, nerds, just your regular run of the mill resident idiots. justin long plays a cool and very convicing part of a trailer trashy fucker. livin next door to a nerdy kid who's into being 'pro active' and renting fantasy movies at the local dollar rental. what is pro active? its not what you think. its not something you order online to fix up your complection, no no....its going OUTSIDE AND BEING ACTIVE!!! ITS PLAYING WITH FOAMY SAFE SWORDS AND BATTLE AXES, WHILE LISTENING TO MID-EVIL-MUSAAAK, VERY MISTRALY AND SUCH!
ok, now then just long's character Zerk has the best lines in this movie. lines like, "this is america! you have a god given constitutional rite to kick ass!!!" and "now i dont wanna hurt you, but sometimes baby's gotta be slapped when he wants his bottle and cant have it!!!"
this movie is set up in chapters. there's like 3 seperate stories that all revolve around each other. ultimately there's a sasquatch hoax going on and all three stories revolve around that main issue. props going out to Carl Weathers the dude that played 'apollo creed' in the rocky movies...he's in this one playing the part of a scientist Dr. Artimus Snodgrass who comes to the small town to verify whether or not the sasquatch findings in the woods....(fake bigfoot crap and foot prints placed by our favorite trailer trash dude Zerk) is indeed a true find or a fuckin hoax.
let us not forget another special props going out to the kid who played the role of napoleon himself~ he's got a cameo in this flick where he plays the worker of the lazertag gaming area.
oh shit, and dont let me fuckin forget a classic cameo role played by Napoleon Dynamite's uncle Rico!! this dude plays the part of the town sheriff!! its good to see he's not completely out of a job by now.
ok, thats all i wanna say about this movie so dont be a lazy fucker, go out and rent it. or be like me and wait for it to play on encore or showtime or one of those channels.
i think i give this one: 6 fat steamy piles of bigfoot crap with a beautiful wild mushroom on top!!
PACHUCAon Sunday 16 November 2008 - 13:54:32  Read/Post Comment: 2
Wednesday 12 November 2008 A message to all Rose Tyler fanatics This isn't Outpost Gallifrey and I'm not a nice guy. All I can say is, to all you god damned dog felching worshippers of Rose "I'm a fucking platypus" Tyler can suck my time-vortex enhanced cock.
Honest to fuck, I have HAD it with you stupid fanatics who think the Doctor is the "love of her life." Fuck you and fuck the whole british "chav" bowel movement. Doctor Who survived for DECADES without this stupid shit, and it is not needed now.
So David Tennant is finally stepping down after a measley three years as the Doctor. Suddenly all the Rose felchers jump out of hiding to cry about how Rose should be part of his swan song. FUCK YOU idiots...this stupid pirhanna-faced bitch has already had TWO major "farewell" scenes. One was unbearable and the last one made me punch a hole in the wall. Just because King Fat Gay (aka Russell T. Davies) can't let go of this idiotic character doesn't mean she has to bring down over 40 years of science fiction history. I mean we had Cybermen decades before the fucking rip-off Borg or the Mormon Tabernacle inspirered Cylons. We had strippers in savage costumes and dolly-girls in sparkly spandex and the Doctor didn't care. Only King Fat Gay decided to bring in a stupid god damned bleach blonde chav to wreck everything. If this stupid cunt appears in Tennant's swan song I will personally fly to Cardiff and cock-punch RTD, and then cunt-punch Billie "Bad Fucking Dental Surgery" Piper.
Rose Tyler is everything that is wrong with both American and British television. She's the Sarah Palin of the Doctor Who universe, unapologetic, un-educated and narcissistic to the last. The stupid cunt doesn't realise she is NOT wanted and the show is NOT about her...even moreso the Rose "fans."
I am glad the entire show is getting a much-needed enema in 2010. New Doctor, new producer, new everything. And no god damned Rose fucking Tyler. Fuck you RTD..you could have gone out as one of the greats, but after the massive self-cock-suck that was Season Four...fuck you. If I was Stephen Moffat I'd be interviewing assassins right now to make sure you DON'T fuck up David Tennant's swan song like we all know you will.
(Yes, I'm writing this so it gets into Google to attract a few chav lovers.)Chickenheadon Wednesday 12 November 2008 - 21:50:11 Read/Post Comment: 0
Wednesday 05 November 2008 60-Second Game Review So a quick 60-second game review of two games in progress: Fallout 3: Ignore the naysayers and the fanboys. This is a good fucking game, the best 360 title I've played yet. It's not perfect. It's not a shooter. It's not quite a pure RPG. But it is good. Been a long time since I've played something that makes me want to lock my doors and play for 8 hours straight. Dead Space: Shit-your-pants-scary. There is not a single place in this game where you will ever feel safe. You will end up playing the game in smaller time slices because dammit, it makes you feel uncomfortable. The "HUD" (such that it is) is quite ingenius. Everything is real-time. It's a shooter but not a typical one...you're in a clunky space suit and it's meant to feel like that, so even shitty console controls are bearable. Enjoy dismembering alien mutant freaks using mining tools like line cutters. See? Not every console game is worth wiping my ass with.Chickenheadon Wednesday 05 November 2008 - 09:38:10 Read/Post Comment: 4
Fuck Poker OK can we talk about this god damned poker fad? Hasn't this bullshit had it's 15 minutes of fame by now? WHY in the god damned FUCK do I have to be bombarded by stupid fucking commercials for playing poker online? Who the hell finds this fun?As if that's the worst of it. I have dedicated god damned poker TV channels on my god damned cable box. I always thought that people who enjoy watching golf tournaments were probably hit in the head one too many times with a putter but watching POKER? Give me a god damned break! I'd rather watch penis surgery on the discovery channel than this shit. Oh yeah and all those poker "stars"...stupid shitheads channelling Don Johnson's Miami Vice "unshaven" look wearing sunglasses. Yep pal, you're a real fucking star, here have a banana.We've gotten to the point where we are literally watching PAINT DRY and making "stars" out of people I wouldn't scrape off the bottom of my shoe. Fuck Poker. Fuck Tex-ass "hold my cock." Fun Snapple fact: Poker players like to suck their own cock. With sunglasses on.Chickenheadon Wednesday 05 November 2008 - 09:32:59 Read/Post Comment: 1
Wednesday 29 October 2008 X-Box Live fucking sucks Microsoft's attempt at ripping off Nintendo's Mii system, naturally, has a price tag associated with it:
http://www.evilavatar.com/forums/showthread.php?t=68634
This is just one reason of many why I think Live is moose balls. The whole system is just a death of a thousand little cuts. So now we can go on and "buy" stupid fake costumes for Microshit's stupid Mii ripoff system? Why the fuck am I paying a monthly god damned fee for Live? What the hell does that cover? Every fucking little thing requires "Microsoft Points" to buy. The Wii may be vastly underpowered but hell, at least I can play over the 'net without shelling out a montly fee to Bill Gates for the "priviledge" of using my own DSL line to play games.
Geeze remember the old days where we could play online on our PCs and the only fee we paid was our DSL monthly connection fee? And companies like Epic would release gigs of free content with no strings attached? Yeah PC gaming was really "evil" and "primitive" wasn't it. SO glad we live in the enlightened era of console bullshit.
Can't wait for Microsoft's Live "Ringtone Marketplace" to appear next...MORE POINTLESS SHIT YOU CAN BUY! HOORAY! Gamertag: FUCK_THE_SKULL_OF_BILL_GATES
Coming Soon: Chickenhead's angry review of Fallout3. No, I haven't had a chance to stick it in yet but I'm already angry as it cost me $100 fucking dollars for the "tin can first day sucker release." What was that again about how expensive PC games are? Shut it, fuckhead.Chickenheadon Wednesday 29 October 2008 - 09:36:48 Read/Post Comment: 1
Tuesday 28 October 2008 Once again Microsoft squeals "MEEEE TOOOH" at the top of their lungs Boy, real original idea there guys. Let's just rip off the Wii as much as possible and call it "revolutionary:" http://www.xbox.com/en-US/live/nxe/Chickenheadon Tuesday 28 October 2008 - 10:34:02 Read/Post Comment: 0
Chickenhead vs. The X-Box I will maintain my opinion that most video games nowadays fucking suck. Yeah bitch, SUCK. I haven't bothered with PC gaming in ages, mainly because they just keep pumping out shit-tastic ports of console games and they just can't do anything original anymore (see UT3...fuck you CliffyB).
I've been semi-retired from this whole toilet bowl of gaming for a while now. But Fester and Beefstick there decided to buy me an X-Box (despite my utter hatred of consoles in general) in hopes of rehabilitating me. So, reluctantly I dove into the shit-coloured world of the X-Box, where the gamers there seem to think they are the hardest-core of the hard-core gamer mindset. SNORT.
Beefy and FesterFuck seem to get boners over Call of Duty 4 so I picked that up. All this did is reinforce how fucking godawful the shit-box controller is for 3d shooters of ANY kind. The multiplayer game itself is a big fucking yawn too...oh boy, I'm GI Joe and it's super realistic using super realistic boring weapons. Just about any weapon I grab does about the same sort of damage anyway. Boring. Give me a rocket launcher and a heavy dose of space-age unreality riding a Redeemer over this boring shit any day of the week. Is it too much to get Microsoft to port the original Quake 1 to their stupid marketplace? I mean they have Duke Nukem 3d on there so why not? If we're going to play deathmatch at least let's do it RIGHT. CoD4 is balls.
So I've always wanted to try Bioshock...now I've got a 360 so I gave THAT a shot. Being made by the people who put out System Shock 2, probably one of the best games ever made, I had some pretty good expectations here. Let me sum it up for you: the first 20 minutes of Bioshock is essentially the whole game. Nothing else happens. The "monsters" are limited to Splicers, basically idiot drug-addled morons who run at you screaming and throwing fishing hooks at you. Yeah you can get some power ups and what not but it's not that exciting. The "plot" is nonsensical. And best of all, if you screw up one choice in the game that happens early on, you will get the "bad" ending at the end no matter what you do. What bullshit. I read up on this game and it turns out they brought in "focus groups" made up of shitheads literally dragged in off the street. They cut a lot of the original ideas and content out because of this, producing not the FPS/RPG hybrid that System Shock 2 was, but yet another lame boring shooter with no variety. And I will repeat: the SHITBOX CONTROLLER IS FUCKING GARBAGE FOR 3D SHOOTERS OF ANY KIND.
I picked up Assassin's Creed and gave that a whirl...and then "whirled" the disc right into the shitcan. CAN YOU PLEASE MAKE A MORE COMPLICATED FUCKING CONTROL SCHEME? PLEASE? ASSS CREED WASN'T COMPLEX ENOUGH THANKS. For fuck's sake, how did this game make it out of playtesting? The control scheme is so complex that for EVERY interaction you get the help popus...every fucking time. And in the end the game is no more rewarding than playing that old "Dragon's Lair" animated cartoon game. The graphics are nice, but the game is repetative to the point of wanting to shove a Wiimote up my ass.
I find it amusing that Shitbox fanboys consider themselves to be the most elite of the hard-core gamers (whatever the fuck those are anymore). These watered-down brain-dead games aren't worth the hefty amount ($60 or more a pop) you have to pay for them. 99% of Shitbox games are either racing sims or god-damned "HUAH AMERIKA WE R MARINES" GI Joe shit. The other 1% are pale echos of what real computer gaming used to be like.
So anyway fucktards, expect another editorial soon. The one good game I've encountered on the shitbox is Dead Space, but Beefy will disagree with me on that one. I can't wait to see how they've FUCKED UP Fallout 3, too. Watch this space.Chickenheadon Tuesday 28 October 2008 - 09:39:30 Read/Post Comment: 0
Monday 27 October 2008 Suck a snotty fuckstick Cliffy B According to this website: CLICK HERE Cliffy B, chief designer for Epic Games has this to say about the reason why UT3 has tanked so hard ..... Q: Do you see the Xbox 360 as the main platform as opposed to the PC? During the whole Unreal time it was very much PC focused. A: The PC right now is a fair amount different to what it was back in the day, with all the badly integrated video chips. Here's the problem right now; the person who is savvy enough to want to have a good PC to upgrade their video card, is a person who is savvy enough to know bit torrent to know all the elements so they can pirate software. Therefore, high-end videogames are suffering very much on the PC. Q: So piracy was a main point for you... A: Right now, it makes sense for us to focus on Xbox 360 for a number of reasons. Not least PCs with multiple configurations and piracy. I have news for you Mr. B, you dumb fuck, the reason UT 3 has performed so poorly is simply this. You fucks are so god damned obsessed with polygons per second, that you pushed the envelope right off the fucking table. You've got your heads so far up the "pro-gamer" community's ass that you alienated all but the most hardcore gamer. Yes, UT3 is gorgeous, it's beautiful, I'm sure if I could drop my pants on the screen, you could see the vinegary sweat dripping off my clock weights. That has nothing at all to do with game play. And how do I know all this? So I'm debating for weeks about UT3. My PC, while adequate for running UT2k4 was nowhere near powerful enough for UT3. Torn by the nostalgia of the 2K4 days got the better of me, so I upgraded my PC, went and spent almost $200 on a new graphics card, and shelled out another $60 or so for the game. I got everything home, got my PC up and running, loaded the game and fire it up. First thing I see is the shittiest god damned interface I'd ever seen. Nice kissing the console community's ass on that one. What a fucking debacle. Then, the server browser is horrible. What did you fuckers do, go and find the retard that made the server browser for Quake 3 and hire him to make the UT3 server browser? Clusterfuck! So I finally get into the game, waiting for all the fast paced action, and what am I greeted with? Nothing. There's nobody playing the fucking game!?!?? What the jesus fuck? How the hell do you make a game that NOBODY is playing? It was brand new!!!! As a side note, I've seen it in the bargain bin at Target recently for $9.00 ... hahahahhah... you fucking retards! I've been back in a few times to have a look and see if it's picked up any popularity, and it's even deader than before. That's unforgivable. I want my fucking money back. You ripped me off for that piece of shit UT2k3, but I let it slide when 2K4 was decent. UT3 is a disaster, and you took me for a ride, you bastards. But it's the pirates, right? You dumbshit, if that were the case, at least there would be some people playing! Why don't you let the blame lay exactly where it belongs. You assholes at Epic got arrogant, and made a game that simply wasn't playable on any reasonable machine. Your hardware requirements are unreasonable, and you got exactly what you were meant to get out of it. A fucking dud. So... now you're going to focus on your shitty Gears of War series, and push the hell out of it on the 360, eh? Well you just do that, I won't play your fucking shit ass game. You stole my money, and that's all I need to know. Fuck you, you greasy fucking Epic bastards! Hotbeefhotbeefon Monday 27 October 2008 - 20:52:11 Read/Post Comment: 2
Sunday 26 October 2008 Palin for President! A vote for McCain is a vote for President Palin. Yes, it's true. More than likely she'll be taking over for him at some point. Oh what fun times it'll be! Here's a preview:
http://www.palinaspresident.us/
Enjoy!Adminon Sunday 26 October 2008 - 19:49:36 Read/Post Comment: 0
News Categories
|
